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Floppyshop 2
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real_prg.st_
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real_prg.st_
Wrap
Text File
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1997-04-29
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7KB
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173 lines
REAL PROGRAMMERS
The easiest way to tell a real programmer from the crowd is by the
programming language they use. Real programmers use Assembly. Quiche eaters
use Pascal. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of Pascal, gave a talk once at which
he was asked "How do you pronounce your name ?" You can call me by name
pronouncing it "Veert" or you can call me by value pronouncing it "Worth" One
can tell imiediately from this statement that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche
eater. Real programmers don't need parameter passing mechanisms, because they
have no need for abstract concepts to get their jobs done - they are perfectly
happy with a simple text editor a good macro assembler (Hisofts DevpacST
version 2 - Only the best), and lots of Beer.
Real programmers do list processing in Assembly Real programmers do String
manipulation in Assembly
Real programmers do Accounting (If they would even consider it) in Assembly
Real programmers do artificial inteligence in Assembly
If you can't do it in assembly language, well its obviously not worth doing
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING.
The academics in computing over the previous few years have got into the
"Structured Programming" rut. They claim that programs are more easily
understood if the programmer uses some special constructs and techniques. No
one agrees on these of course and all the examples that have been produced can
anvariably fit onto a single sheet of A4 paper, This is clearly not enough to
convince anyone. Some Quick observations about real programmers and their
approach to structured programming.
Real programmers can write five page long DBRA loops without getting
confused.
Real programmers like complicated arithmetic statements to determine the flow
of control in the code - they make it more interseting to follow.
Real programmers write self modifying code - especially if will save 20
nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
Real programmers never use comments - The code is obvious.
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK.
Where does the real programmer work ? What kinds of programs are worthy of
the efforts of such a talented individual? You Can be sure that no real
programmer would be caught dead writing an accounts-receivable package in
COBOL. A real programmer wants tasks of earth shatering importance (Literally
!!!!!!)
Some of the most awesome programmers work at the jet propulsion labrotory in
California. Many of these know the entire Voyager operating system by heart.
Allegedly one real programmer managed to tuck a pattern matching program into
a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a voyager spacecraft, which searched
for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter.
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY.
Generally the real programmer plays the same way he works - with computers,
The real programmer is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him
for what he would be doing for fun anyway (Allthough he is carefull not to
express this opinion out loud). Occasionally the real programmer does step out
of his room full of terminals, so as to grab a breath of fresh air and a beer
or six.
At a party the real programmers are the ones in the corner talking about OS
security and how to get around it.
At the beach the real programmer is the one drawing flow charts in the sand
At a funeral the real programmer is the one saying "Poor George he nearly had
that OS patch finished before he Karked it"
At the supermarket the real programmer is the one running the cans past the
laser checkout scanner himself, Because he never could trust operators to get
it right first time.
THE REAL PROGRAMMERS HABITAT
What sort of environment does the real programmer function best in, this is
very important for managers as real programmers don't come cheap so it is
important to place them such that they can get the work done. The typical real
programmer lives in front of a terminal, surrounding this terminal are :-
Listings of all the programs that they have ever worked on, piled in roughly
cronological order, on every available flat surface.
Some half a dozen or so partly filled cups of coffee, Occasionally there will
be cigarette buts floating in the coffee.
Unless the real programmer is really good, there will be a copy of the
computers BIOS listing, open at a particually intersesting place.
Strewn about the floor will be wrappers from chocolate biscuits, of the type
that are made pre-stale so they can't get any worse.
In one of the desk drawers will be a stash of drink, including Vodka and
plenty of beer, because as we all know some of the best coding is done when
you are pissed.
Occasionally underneath the drinks is a flow chart template, left there from
many years before and not touched since. Real programmers write code, not
documentation - leave that to the maintenance people.
IN GENERAL
The real programmer is capable of working thirty, fourty, or even fifty hours
at a stretch, under intense pressure, in fact the real programmer prefers it
that way. Bad responce time doesn't bother the real programmer, in fact it
provides the chance to catch up on a little sleep inbetween each assembly
time. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the programmer he tends to
make things more interseting by working on some small but interesting part of
the problem for the first nine weeks, and then finishing the rest of it in the
last week, in two or three fifty hour marathons. This not only impresses the
hell out the real programmers manager, but provides a bloody good excuse for
not doing any of the documentation.
To sum up :-
No real programmer works nine to five, unless its the ones at night.
The real programmer may keep forgetting the name of his girlfriend, but
allways knows the entire ASCII table by heart.
Real programmers don't know how to cook, Supermarkets are never open at three
O'clock in the morning, Real programmers survive on loads of coffee, and pro-
plus tablets for emergencies.
And of course all the best programmers are roughly the same :-
Reasonably tall.
Long hair.
Allways wear Black.
Love good music. (Megadeath, Slayer, Onslaught, Faith no more)
Never go to sleep until 3 o'clock in the morning.
Own Atari ST computers.
Program in 68000.
Are totally insane, well mentalty unstable anyway.
Hate Kylie and Jason.
Can usually be found down the pub, if not coding, or with their girlfriend.
If you fit at least nine of the above, you too could be a programmer, and, if
so, good for you.